Well-Realm

Can people be simple? Or are they just weird creatures that have chaotic patterns that seem to surface and make others’ analysis and judgement more simple, black and white, for a brief moment? 

When I see, judge, and analyze other people, it can sometimes seem so clear – the underlying motives, feelings, and behavior. This window into others makes me feel like I can peer into myself and uncover my true desires, passions, and reasons for acting certain ways, habituating certain patterns. But I’ve felt more recently like a deep well that when you peer into, all you see is confusion, ambiguity, and maybe a lil darkness. But I feel like my true nature is that moss growing on the damp stones reaching for the light and breathing in the air. I wanna be that moss. I wanna be more than that moss. 

But what do I do to become that moss? 

I feel like I need to understand more about myself to move forward and become that moss. Understand what makes me tick, what makes me forget the other colors. Can it be so black and white? Can I make it black and white? Does it even need to be black and white? I just need to pick something and do it. But I’ve done that quite a few times and each time kinda found the easiest way out or just stopped. Why? Was it the circumstances that required me to? Did I really have to leave? What did I see that I didn’t like? The competition? The people? The environment? The vulnerability? Do I even need to be peering this deep into the well? Is it even a well if some professional were to look at it?

But shouldn’t it be easier to just commit? To give all my time and passion to one thing? Damn. I need more conclusions, statements, answers, points leading me towards that green, dewy, softness. 

I think I’m just in the in between, focused too much on the cobwebs upstairs and the dark well outside instead of the front door, the bike leaning against the garage, the people waiting somewhere out there. 

I just need to morph all those swirling colors in my head into the black and white :  stoic virtues (wisdom, courage, justice, temperance), Brahmaviharas (divine abodes / Buddhist virtues / The Four Immeasurables: loving-kindness or benevolence, compassion, empathetic joy, equanimity), and a lil bit of spontaneity / craziness / and burst of color when appropriate (personal meditation and a fit body are a given).

There’s so much I want to do

– climb more trees

– gawk at nature

– gawk at humanity

– write a book

– create a story, a world, a fantasy, a romance, an adventure that captivates people

– learn more about the world – travel, interview people, take courses, research things, observe things and people, be part of something or a group, experiment, learn about plants, history, culture, bodies, animals, habitats, systems

– become part of a community that I can love and contribute to meaningfully without any feeling of wanting to run away

– contribute something cool to the world

– learn more about myself, what I like, what I don’t like, why I experience things in this way

– meet someone who I can walk through life with

But why do I want all these things?

Maybe I should make a new religion, a cult, my own community that’s bound to me, become a god. That would be somethin. Haha nah

Goodness gracious. Should I get back to the main theme of false eyes? What do I even mean by that again? That we see black and white (aka “order”, “patterns”, “sense”) sometimes in other people, places, cultures, and nature. But I think all of our eyes are false. Nothing’s as black and white as it seems. The only thing that we can attempt to make black and white are our own minds. The swirling colors that dance between feeling, passion, drives, ideas, morals >> can be morphed into more order (kinda) with the help of more black and white virtues like the stoic’s, buddhists, and my mossy ones.

Did I do what I was supposed to be doing right now? Definitely not. I was supposed to start writing a blog post about the experiments I’m performing on my body w/ tumeric tonics. maybe that’ll come in a later post.

Edit 4/12/25 : I feel like I’m getting closer to the moss (probable reasons: sun, movement, bike)