Well-Realm

welcome back

welcome to my wonderful mind debris and late night motivation/reminder to post somethin

A quote that really stuck with me from the play Emilia Galotti:

“Why should the Count remain here? To cringe–to fawn–to flatter–to supplant the Marinellis–to make a fortune which he does not want–to obtain a dignity, which he does not value?–Pirro!”

This stuck with me because I relate to the Count in a way. A lot of people probably do. My current future is the Marinellis. A future full of fortune, flattering, and waste. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I make it out to be. There are people within the Marinelli sphere who seem decent, conscientious, dignified. Is it worth the supplanting for a year or two to obtain a bit of that fortune? Is it worth the blow to my dignity, my passions, my gut? Why does it feel so undesirable? Is it because it’s truly to supplant the Marinellis? That’s what it feels like. But how might I save my dignity? Could I shield it while I’m under their control? Or is it best to go nowhere near their control? Is my definition of dignity, passion, and true fortune even the right ones… what are my definition of these things?

Dignity – A sound gut, steady feeling, awareness of and confidence in one’s self, and belief in doing the right thing

Passion – The thing that makes one’s pupils dilate, corners of the mouth curl, uncontrollable giddiness, and unasked sharing

True fortune – being content, having no regret, being okay with death

Now, how might I attain these three intangibles?

• idk man bike more
• meditate more
• do things you like more
• probably bail on the Marinellis
• create some stuff – like this haha good job
• be bolder, more assured, unafraid of criticism

To that last bullet point (regarding dignity) – I wanna believe that I’m quite dignified and have unfaltering morals, and gut feelings. But, I don’t show it or sometimes forget it. I tend to avoid the confrontations, voiced feelings, blunt truths (my truths). This avoidance I feel is making me forget how to even listen to my gut, my dignity. I’ve lost my self-respect over the years by doing this. I seemed to think other’s “respect”, “kindness”, and “liking” (of me) is more important than my own self-respect. I’ve lost my dignity by trying to feed others’. I’m confusing myself and putting my dignity to the side. So, I need to be bolder. More strong-willed, capable of voicing my thoughts, truths, and feelings.

But maybe saying “maybe”, “perhaps”, and “I don’t know” and being silent is perhaps better in most cases? Observing isn’t always so bad. By being bolder, I could become too attached to certain truths, maybe the wrong truths. But are any truths really that true? They vary so much, person to person, world to world. Perhaps I’ll find a time when opening my mouth is worth it.

A balance between being bold and being silent is probably best.

nighty night dark abyss, green moss, and whatever else is out there xo